‘That’s what my therapist siad….’

yesterday I had my first ever counselling session. I’d imagined therapy to be somewhat dreadful, an old man or woman eyeing me other the rim of their glasses, probably the ones with string that darken in the sun. Instead I got Sarah. Sarah was normal. Funny and nice.

Now don’t get me wrong, sitting in a room and gettin deep with a complete stranger is an odd thing to do. It’s weird. And yet surprisingly easy to do.

I’m the type of idiot who doesn’t ask for help no matter however desperate I may be. And so in my case the innate desire to avoid any form of cringe worthy ‘self help’ is what forced me, ironically, to seek it. Perhaps the only way to trick my mind out of its depression is to ignore the choices id normally make.

I’m far from happy, or fixed. But I’m optimistic, or at least as much as an apathetic depressive can be towards the future. Maybe there’s a chance that the darkness within me won’t consume me. Ruin my life. Drive away the people o care for most in this world. 

This no real aim for this post and being severely depressed and apathetic I think I’ve earned the right not to spell check so apologies. 

Let’s Have a Little Chat

If you depression,
Make sure you read this.

Rantings of a Depranxious Mind

depression_08

My name is immaterial. I am 22 years old and I have (been diagnosed with) clinical depression and anxiety. Do you know what that means? Well. Some of you might. Most of you will just think I’m sad and wary of things, and that’s all there is to it. Some others amongst you might think I’m crazy, and that’s where you’ll leave it. Maybe you’ll find it ironic, when I tell you I am also an introvert. You might find it ironic especially if you know me – ‘social slut’ is not a phrase unused to describe me. Some of you might have shared your own problems with me, some of you may have just messaged me and we might have talked about some random, idiotic idea or some childish prank, some of you might have seen me around taking pictures and capturing moments so that you all…

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Foresight. The perils of the depressed. 

My minds eye is hindered. It’s sight is skewed. I barely remember the reasons I once had. To wake, to act, to fight and to persevere. Now I see nothing, but dark and but black.

No cataracts or blindness of reality to explain, no medical reasons to allow me the status of sane. But what if i am, if truly I am fine. If it’s them that have the shadowed view, if it’s them that can’t see the blatant obvious I believe to be true. I know I am miserable, a cynic at that. But once an idealist now broken and trapped. I don’t wish to kill hope or to cast victories adrift. I just think I might have realised a more than painful truth.

Here we are all blind in once sense or another. We are just man, woman and child. Our parents will pass and our own lives to will fade. Yet still they trick us to brace and toughen, to fight a battle where even in victory there lies no prize. I cannot change the world, or mend all the bad. I am to proud to simply paper over cracks.

They call it depression but I call it realism. Is it them that don’t see this world clearly. Where even the ones we adore turn out to be bent and curropt. When even with democracy we live far from fairly. And how even it in peace our peoples suffer conflict.

A death sentence is in the living. How is it that a future is something you can face? What do depression is the ‘eureka’ moment of the human race. 

Love without evidence 

Its funny how it’s works. How feelings manifest. When we first met I thought so little of you. You were so patronising, yet so simple it made me laugh.

But as time began to pass I saw deeper into you. What once I saw as ignorance was now niavety through and through. It’s seems you were unbroken by the harsh reality of this life. An idealist. Honest, loyal and true.

To me you are so different. And that I believe is the source of my love for you. To me you could my contrast. My calming influence too. 

But even before I met you, the two of us could never do. 

Dark days see no light

My mind once lucid and quick grows slow, my body once tough and strong grew weak.

Your approval, your eye, your look has changed- you see me differently now.

I have fallen, I have fell, I am weak. I have suffered a humbling defeat. You pressured me and pushed me but now you are vacant. You are gone.

I’m alone now. That’s fine, thanks ok. But now no longer is there anything that I seek. Not success or happiness or your approval or time. Now I see nothing, but grey.

Lost on the Plains of the Wastelands

Painfully accurate and beautifully expressed. Thanks 🙂

SOBrSOLDIER / Saints & Sinners Survivors Club

Depression is a sneaky son of a bitch.  It stalks you like a lion.  A master tracker.  King predator.  Laying just out of view in the tall grass.  It’s relentless.  It will not stop the hunt until its mouth is around your neck.  It doesn’t know how to stop.  That’s what it was born to do.  It chokes out the breath.  The life.  Leaving you an empty shell.  Your eyes die and your heart stops.  Everything you love in life fades away in the plains.  You see them but have no feelings for them.  You’re paralyzed as your life passes away.

You self medicate to ease the pain.  To feel alive.  Just to participate in life.  You drink.  You pop pills.  You snort.  You shoot.  You smoke.  You do whatever in the hell you can do to get that lion off your throat.  You have to breath.

And it works…

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