yesterday I had my first ever counselling session. I’d imagined therapy to be somewhat dreadful, an old man or woman eyeing me other the rim of their glasses, probably the ones with string that darken in the sun. Instead I got Sarah. Sarah was normal. Funny and nice.
Now don’t get me wrong, sitting in a room and gettin deep with a complete stranger is an odd thing to do. It’s weird. And yet surprisingly easy to do.
I’m the type of idiot who doesn’t ask for help no matter however desperate I may be. And so in my case the innate desire to avoid any form of cringe worthy ‘self help’ is what forced me, ironically, to seek it. Perhaps the only way to trick my mind out of its depression is to ignore the choices id normally make.
I’m far from happy, or fixed. But I’m optimistic, or at least as much as an apathetic depressive can be towards the future. Maybe there’s a chance that the darkness within me won’t consume me. Ruin my life. Drive away the people o care for most in this world.
This no real aim for this post and being severely depressed and apathetic I think I’ve earned the right not to spell check so apologies.
My minds eye is hindered. It’s sight is skewed. I barely remember the reasons I once had. To wake, to act, to fight and to persevere. Now I see nothing, but dark and but black.
No cataracts or blindness of reality to explain, no medical reasons to allow me the status of sane. But what if i am, if truly I am fine. If it’s them that have the shadowed view, if it’s them that can’t see the blatant obvious I believe to be true. I know I am miserable, a cynic at that. But once an idealist now broken and trapped. I don’t wish to kill hope or to cast victories adrift. I just think I might have realised a more than painful truth.
Here we are all blind in once sense or another. We are just man, woman and child. Our parents will pass and our own lives to will fade. Yet still they trick us to brace and toughen, to fight a battle where even in victory there lies no prize. I cannot change the world, or mend all the bad. I am to proud to simply paper over cracks.
They call it depression but I call it realism. Is it them that don’t see this world clearly. Where even the ones we adore turn out to be bent and curropt. When even with democracy we live far from fairly. And how even it in peace our peoples suffer conflict.
A death sentence is in the living. How is it that a future is something you can face? What do depression is the ‘eureka’ moment of the human race.
Its funny how it’s works. How feelings manifest. When we first met I thought so little of you. You were so patronising, yet so simple it made me laugh.
But as time began to pass I saw deeper into you. What once I saw as ignorance was now niavety through and through. It’s seems you were unbroken by the harsh reality of this life. An idealist. Honest, loyal and true.
To me you are so different. And that I believe is the source of my love for you. To me you could my contrast. My calming influence too.
But even before I met you, the two of us could never do.
My mind once lucid and quick grows slow, my body once tough and strong grew weak.
Your approval, your eye, your look has changed- you see me differently now.
I have fallen, I have fell, I am weak. I have suffered a humbling defeat. You pressured me and pushed me but now you are vacant. You are gone.
I’m alone now. That’s fine, thanks ok. But now no longer is there anything that I seek. Not success or happiness or your approval or time. Now I see nothing, but grey.
I hope to write more soon. Finding it hard to concentrate and produce anything of substance lately- bare with me. I promise this blog will get better.